The One Phrase We Really Need To Stop Saying Now

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend I have known since I was a teenager. She was having trouble with her back and finally got an appointment to see a doctor. Imaging confirmed a torn tendon, which the doctor estimated would take several months to heal. During that time, he advised her to limit her activities, specifically that she not run.

An avid runner, my friend was extremely upset. She couldn’t believe she wouldn’t be able to run all spring. She continued to express her frustration for several minutes and then took a big pause. “I know I should be grateful,” she said with a sigh. "It's not like it's a life-or-death problem....."

After we got off the phone, I started to think about that phrase.

I remember when we were teenagers, every slight was a matter of life or death. Whether it was getting grounded, having a giant zit for formal or failing a test, we felt totally justified lamenting our woes. Anything that happened felt important and our feelings were justified.

Then, as we got older, something shifted. Especially in our 50s, we started to feel like we shouldn’t complain. After all, people have big problems now. We both had our share of big problems. So, we used phrases such as, "Don't sweat the small stuff," "It's all good," "It could be worse," and “It’s not life or death" to prove that we’re wiser now and that trivial things no longer upset us.

But it's time to stop saying, "It's not life or death," and here is why:

It isn’t true.

Minor, inconsequential issues (parking tickets, pulling out your back, a demanding boss) may not be "death." But they are a big part of life. Caring about these little things is a big part of human nature. Yes, we should be grateful when an achy back will resolve itself with time and isn’t a symptom of something life-threatening. But that doesn't mean you aren’t experiencing physical pain or emotional frustration.

Just because you complain doesn't mean you aren't grateful.

People often say, "It's not life or death," to remind themselves to have perspective. But saying it isn't the same as meaning it. Dr. Shira Schuster of Williamsburg Therapy Group explains, “Sometimes, to minimize our problems, we minimize their impact on us. But trivializing our feelings doesn't make us feel better. Instead, we need to permit ourselves to be upset sometimes.”

Whether it’s a problem at work or an issue with your spouse, it’s okay to admit that life is not “all good” all the time. “Bosses can be tough. Marriage can be difficult to navigate. This is your life,” says Dr. Schuster. “You don’t need to minimize your pain or couch every grievance by adding ‘it could be worse’ to show you have perspective.”

Sharing can lighten our load.