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Every year, my kids make me watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas — a few dozen times. And every year, there’s a single scene in which little Cindy Lou Who sings “Where are you Christmas?” that I tear up a bit. It’s not because Cindy isn’t sure what the heck is going on in her town, where the Grinch is terrorizing everyone, or that her tree is missing, but because I know that busy, frazzled, stressed-out people at the holidays, especially parents who are supposed to make the magic, can’t seem to feel it anymore. At least I can’t.
Between the lists for four different sets of family, community outreach at church, school plays, teacher gifts, meal planning, gift wrapping and much more, the holidays are a time that mental health specialists know brings a spike in a host of anxieties and concerns. What’s not spiking? That feel-good holiday cheer many of us remember from childhood.
The only comfort we might have is that we are far from alone in suffering this widely studied phenomenon. The American Heart Association found that 79 percent of respondents report overlooking their health needs during the holidays, and 63 percent say the holiday season is more stressful than tax season. They also shared that 79 percent of people are so focused on creating special moments and memories for others that they overlook their own needs.
Mothers, in particular, seem to carry the weight of the holiday. One study found that mothers take on 71 percent of all household mental-load tasks, including planning, scheduling and organizing.
“Even when we swear it’ll be different, we slip back into familiar patterns because they’re rooted in identity and guilt,” says Colette Jane Fehr, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert in Orlando, Florida.
Here’s what we are so worried about, and how to find magic within the busiest season.
Memories over perfection
Even when we think we don’t care about being “perfect,” whether it’s family holiday pictures or a social-media worthy winter wonderland in our living rooms, deep down we might.
“We’ve absorbed the societal message that it’s all on us and we’re failing if we don’t deliver perfection,” Fehr says. “We feel tremendous pressure to create a wonderful experience for the people we love. And let’s face it, the people we love typically expect it of us, too.”
Burnout around the holidays only stops when we name this feeling and decide we are worthy of reaching out for help, she says. Perhaps you could bring one dish to your own holiday feast, for example, which can make it a true potluck, even if you're the host.
Delegating and allowing “good enough”
What if … just what if … your partner or an older kid was in charge of all the wrapping this year? Oh, gosh, no, I’d personally think, they’d just mess it up. It sure wouldn’t be color-coded by which house the presents were headed to, would it?
So? Fehr says, “Your mental health is more important than flawless execution,” and embracing “good enough” is, well, good enough. If we want lighter and merrier seasons, we will have to do less.
Let’s make a list and check it twice — of things that we are handing off this year. “Start by making the invisible visible. Write down every single task that goes into creating the holidays, decorating, gift-buying, planning meals, wrapping and travel coordination,” she adds.
From there, get the family and friends involved. You might be surprised that there are things they want to help with.
Bring your grief with you — don’t will it away
A top reason people say the holidays are stressful isn’t about stress at all, but loss — 47 percent miss a loved one or are grieving. There’s no way around it; the holidays can feel anything but magical if you have just lost a parent, sibling, friend, child or even a pet.
Instead of a daunting list of holiday functions to attend, maybe you want to sip coffee alone by the tree Christmas morning. “Redefine what a great holiday means,” Fehr says. If you are in a season of loss, it may mean reflecting on a meaningful tradition that the person you lost loved to do.
Making room for your grief instead of trying to disguise it as tinsel-covered fuzzy feelings might backfire. Instead, make room for it and let it accompany you this season, which might be one for finding deeper meaning, rather than just holiday cheer.
Take the shortcut
How can DoorDash mean a magical holiday? It’s time to take the shortcut where you can for the sake of being able to be present.
“The holidays aren’t a reflection of your abilities, and your worth isn’t measured by how much you do,” Fehr says. “If that means ordering takeout, skipping gifts or leaving early, that’s not failure, but rather it’s wisdom in action.”
Before the chaos is here, plan your shortcuts. What can you say no to, cut back on or skip altogether?
The nostalgia is still there — if you take notice
Maybe a magical season isn’t something that will just happen TO you, but rather something you can choose to experience. Fehr says, “Take in the little sensory moments, like the music that’s playing, the glow of the candles, the laughter of those you love around you. Adults need that sense of awe as much as kids do … unfortunately, we’ve learned to rush past it.”
As Cindy Lou’s song goes, that magic you seek is already inside us.
How do you feel about the holidays? Do you get stressed? Let us know in the comments below.
