How A Major Life Event Changed My Friendships

When I was in my early 30s, I had a lot of different social circles - friends from high school, friends from college, and friends from work. We were all figuring out how to navigate life, from getting married to finding the right job to buying a home to deciding when, or if, we wanted to start our own families.

My circle of friends grew again when my first baby, my daughter, was born. I had so much in common with the moms I met at her daycare. We were all young moms who worked full-time. We worked at the same company, had children around the same age, and used the same daycare.

I was a busy, working mom, but I still spent as much time as I could keeping up with my friends.

Two years later, my son was born with multiple disabilities. That’s when my life completely changed, and so did my perspective.

During the first five weeks of my son’s life, I watched him struggle to survive and gain weight in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the hospital. As much as I needed my friends, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know how to explain to them what was happening. I had a sick baby to care for, and juggled my days between the hospital and spending time with my toddler daughter. My husband went back to work, and I was trying to figure out how I would keep my own career.

When my son was finally discharged from the NICU, I spent months setting up his care. I was able to enroll him in daycare, scheduled his numerous doctor appointments, got him set up with early intervention for physical therapy, went back to work, and tried to keep my routine the same as before.

Early on, I was desperate for stability. I really wanted to keep socializing because I needed the downtime and wanted to get out of the house. So I tried to attend the same social events as before, from book clubs to playdates.

But it was exhausting juggling both my son’s medical needs and the life I used to live. I didn’t know how to make small talk or explain what was happening at home without making the conversation feel heavy. And I had a hard time listening to people talk about things that seemed insignificant when I was worrying about my son’s survival.