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Why Am I The Only One Reaching Out To Friends?
It's affected my self-esteem and made me feel needy.
Shideh Ghandeharizadeh
As a child, I was an extroverted girl who always planned parties, asked my friends if they wanted to write a play and put on a performance during recess, and I was never one to stick to just one routine in the talent show. I’d ask everyone I knew if they wanted to sing a song, do a skit or make up a dance with me.
Back then, I just felt driven to seek opportunities and ask people if they wanted to do things; it never occurred to me that they might not do the same. As I grew older and started a family of my own, I stopped reaching out as much because I had three kids under three, and I spent my time and energy taking care of them.
This was a time in my life when many relationships fizzled because I couldn’t keep up. It also made me realize something: a lot of my friendships seemed one-sided. That wasn’t something that I noticed when I was younger.
I guess you could say that I wasn’t keeping score as a kid. But as an adult, I started to. I was always the one to ask if friends were free. I was always the one to let friends know that the relationship was important to me.
However, constantly being the initiator is exhausting. Always being the one to call, text or set up plans means you’re doing all the emotional labor in the friendship. Sure, that’s fine for a little while, but over time, that can get really hard if your energy isn’t being reciprocated.
It can also affect your self-esteem, even if you are a confident woman. We’re all human, and constantly reaching out, yet rarely being asked to do things by our friends, can make us wonder if our energy is valued. It can affect our self-worth. It can make us feel needy. Even subtle feelings of being taken for granted can erode the confidence of even the most confident person.
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Feelings of rejection and being undervalued absolutely can happen when your friends don’t always reach out. Maybe you feel like they don’t care, and you're not a priority to them. This really hurts when you deeply care about the friendship and you don’t want to lose it. It can be conflicting. You may feel loyal and committed to keeping the relationship alive, but feelings of resentment and anger may creep in.
Yes, adults juggle a lot of things — work, family, hobbies — and so a constant lack of effort can be understood on some level, but we can have empathy and still feel rejected. It can make you question the nature of the friendship. It’s natural to keep score and weigh the effort you put in versus how much you get back. It will make you question how much to give in the future, and that can create some anxiety. It’s a very human reaction to notice when something doesn’t feel reciprocal.
This situation really resonates with women in midlife. I truly believe that now we need our friends more than ever. We’re dealing with older parents who need more help, and our kids are older and don’t need us as much. We’re starting a completely new chapter in our lives, and it's difficult to navigate, not to mention make new friends. Feeling like you’re always the ‘planner’ can clash with your desire for genuine connection.
If you feel you’re the only one who reaches out and makes plans in your friendships, remember this: it’s okay to step back and let the friendship breathe. And it’s okay to let it go if it’s no longer serving you. Life is too short to invest in people or situations that always disappoint you or let you down. And when you make space for friends who see you and put in effort, you can find genuine connections that are so nourishing.
Take it from someone who let those who didn’t make an effort go: I’ve found new friends who are genuinely nourishing and make me feel seen and valued.
Do you often feel like you're the one always reaching out and making plans? How does that make you feel? Let us know in the comments below.
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