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Here's Exactly Why My Ex-Husband Cheated
He told me. But I already knew the answer
Vivian Shih
It was 15 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in our finished basement, the place my ex-husband has turned into his office. The kids were in bed and he'd gone out with friends, or so he said. There was something about the way he stood before me that night, something about the way his voice cracked when he said, “I’m going to go have a few drinks with the guys,” that I didn’t believe.
Which was crazy, because I always believed my husband. We’d been together for over a decade at this point and I’d never caught him in a lie. I couldn’t even recall a time when he’d exaggerated a story.
He was a good father too, a good husband. A provider, a hard worker. No drinking problem, no addictions. Smart with money. So in short, I trusted him. Like really trusted him. I married him because he was different from any other man I’d been with. He only had eyes for me. He wasn’t a player. And up until that night, I never felt the need to go through his stuff.
But as I crept downstairs, my heart thudding, I knew something was off. I knew it. I just didn’t know what. I went through all his paper work, the filing cabinet. Then I made my way upstairs to our bedroom and went through his pockets, checked his dresser drawers.
Then, I sat on our bed and cried. I was so ashamed of myself and asked myself what the hell was wrong with me. I’d never gone through his stuff. I’d never had a reason to. I wasn’t even sure if I did that night, but my gut was churning and it didn’t stop until a few weeks later when he confessed he’d had an affair with a co-worker.
He assured me it was over. He didn’t love her. That she came on to him and he tried to resist, but after she pushed the second time, telling him she didn’t care that he was married, he caved.
He wanted to have sex. Badly. And his wife (me) hadn’t let him touch her in months. Almost a year to be exact.
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I was shattered, of course. Angry. Furious because he not only stepped out on me, but on his three young kids. But deep down I had a feeling this would happen. My sex drive was gone.
Every night we’d get into bed and every night he’d try to be intimate with me until I pushed him away or came up with another excuse to not have sex with him. He’d never lied to me (that I knew of) and here I was, lying to him every night. I was on my period, had a headache, felt like I was coming down with something, or was too constipated. Sometimes I’d try to be disgusting just so he wouldn’t come on to me.
I wasn’t attracted to him anymore, but I still loved him. And I kept hoping the attraction would magically come back. And as the months passed and it didn’t, I just expected him to get used to it.
I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no. He confessed that the only reason he had sex with her was because it made him feel alive again. Something he hadn’t felt in so long because I’d made a habit of rejecting him over and over and over again. He felt like a little boy who was starving, begging for a meal. Then, when someone else offered him food, he couldn’t pass it up. His words not mine. It had nothing to do with the other woman, he’d said. I still don’t even know if she was younger or thinner or more attractive than me. All I know is that she made him feel good about himself again. Something he wanted me to do for him.
I’m not saying he was right or wrong here. I am saying we both played a role in this. I mean, what did I think was going to happen? That he’d stay celibate for me? How unfair is that? I would be crushed, and I mean absolutely crushed, if the man I loved denied me.
We tried to work it out for years, but when my sex drive didn’t come back, he couldn’t stay anymore. He wanted to feel wanted, desired. And if I, the woman he loved, wouldn’t make him feel that way, he needed to go find it somewhere else. Those were his exact words. Honestly, I'd be lying if I said I was blindsided he wanted a divorce. I knew somewhere deep inside that this would probably happen. I guess it’s true what they say: sometimes love isn’t enough.
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