Quarantine: 9 Months and Counting

Just another day in my psychotherapy practice filled with women complaining about their husbands. You’d think, during a pandemic, spouses might grow to appreciate one another more. I’m sure this has occurred. But people don’t generally talk to therapists about how fabulous their relationships are. I’ve noticed that during this long pandemic, some of my clients’ relationships have become strained. The main reason? Their men are working from home.

At this point in the evolution of gender equity, most women I know envisioned a certain amount of equality in their marriages. With men and women home full-time, often both still working, they’d hoped their men would chip in with the chores more, share in the oversight of the kids’ remote schooling, help with meal planning and prep. But, according to my clientele, not so much.

I hear women reminiscing about pre-COVID, when they crossed paths with their partners at dinner time and maybe a few hours in the evenings and on weekends. If you’re wondering why many women are wishing for a little less time with their husbands, here’s what I’ve learned:

Men can be bossy. Obviously, so can women. But women often still run the household. Men, remote full-time, have brought home the bossiness usually reserved for the workplace. Women complain to me that their husbands are telling them how things should be done, wanting to make changes and switch things up that had never been on their radars before the pandemic. One exasperated client I’ll call Mary reported that her husband decided that all the sheets and towels in the house needed to be washed twice a week, although they’d lived for two decades washing them once a week. He also told their two teenage sons to do their remote schoolwork from their bedrooms, despite the fact that Mary knew that only meant more unsupervised gaming — which was why she’d set up their temporary school room in the dining room. Mary, who had managed the household herself for years, was feeling like she’d gotten a new boss who made unilateral decisions without even checking in with her. All day long.

Along the same lines, women are complaining that their husbands are opinionated about things they ignored for decades. “All of a sudden, he’s questioning everything I’ve done around the house for years, like he knows better,” Donna told me. “Shouldn’t you buy store brands at the supermarket? They’re less expensive,” or “It looks like you need to do more than vacuum the kitchen floor. You should get out the mop.” She told me, “I haven’t mopped in years. I’m not even sure we still have a mop.”

And it’s not as if those men are rushing to do the shopping or mopping. Another client, Ann, calls herself the short-order cook, complaining that her husband asks her, “What’s for lunch?” “What’s for dinner?” She knows he is working, but she is too. She wants to say to him, “You’re home all the time now, too, so could you prepare a meal?”

What solutions do I offer these struggling women?