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Should I text? Call? Invite her for a drink? It was like a bad game of teenage dating anxiety, except it wasn’t dating, and I am no longer a teen. In fact, as a 38-year-old happily employed, well-adjusted, outgoing adult with a family, you’d think struggling with friendships would be the last thing on my mind. Yet, I’ve struggled with making new friends and keeping up friendships.
The issue seems to be that I’m always initiating, both those first few conversations and get-togethers and then subsequent activities. Of my high school friends, I’m the one planning the outings, pushing for people to go on girls’ trips despite their busy schedules and otherwise keeping up the social calendar. Periodically, I get “in my feels” about why it doesn’t feel like others are trying as hard.
I brought it up to my therapist, who said something completely unexpected. “So. What do YOU bring to a friendship?” she asked. “What do you have to offer? Let’s focus on that.” Her commentary prompted me to examine my own strengths and weaknesses in a friendship rather than what I was missing from others. It also prompted a deeper dive into the nature of adult women’s friendships. After all, we’re not in junior high anymore, are we?
Turns out, I’m not alone in my midlife re-examination of the role I play in my friendships — the ones going well and the ones that are a struggle. “In midlife, many women experience a shift in the way they relate to friendship,” says Laura Fink, a therapist in Westfield, NJ. “Developmentally, this stage often invites a reassessment of relationships prompted by life transitions, role shifts or deeper self-inquiry. It’s not uncommon for clients to express both a longing for meaningful connection and a discomfort around how much effort it takes to sustain friendships that once felt easy. Feelings of exclusion, resentment or grief over faded connections are frequent themes in therapy.”
Her clients’ woes ring true for me. The effort it takes to plan a single get-together around my five kids’ schedules, aligned with what works for the other person, on a day when nobody happens to get sick or have a schedule change, is enough to make anyone give up before the meeting even happens. Also, many adult friendships take a back seat to marriages that rarely see a date night or kids who have plenty of needs and sports carpools to attend to.
I was starting to take it personally. When was the last time someone asked me to do something? I’d lament. I was craving what UCLA researchers have found to be an oxytocin release, leading to a “calming response” that is special to female friendships, scientists say. They even suggest that friendships help reduce the risk of disease and may help us live longer.
Research revealed that having a bunch of friends, or only one close one, is the most satisfying setup.
A Pew study found that 81 percent of respondents with more friends reported being satisfied with the quality of their friendships. Participants with one close friend (72 percent) were also content, while those with one to four friends were slightly less satisfied (65 percent).
I started to take stock of the friends I have and the ones I’d tried to make along the way. Had I been easy enough to talk to? Was I taking an interest in their lives? Was I avoiding judgment and unsolicited advice-giving?
Fink says this process is a “powerful intervention” to reclaim agency in relationships. “It’s what I refer to as ‘turning the finger around,’” explains Fink. “This means shifting from externalized blame or disappointment to internal reflection: ‘Am I acting in alignment with my values? Am I initiating connection, assuming positive intent and following through on intentions? How do I show up in relationships? What do I do well and where is there room for growth?’ This perspective fosters relational integrity and decreases the emotional reactivity that often undermines connection.”
I realized I struggle deeply with “assuming positive intent.” If my friends don’t initiate hangouts or don’t seem to be trying very hard when I do, I’d jump to “I’m not a priority for them,” rather than “they must be super busy and stressed.” This was a lesson further solidified as I read Melissa Wirt’s book, I Was Told There’d Be a Village. In it, she asks who builds the village, especially the ones that other mothers benefit from? She suggests we all do and that we better get started. As soon as I started looking around to see what I could do for others, rather than what they were doing for our friendships, I found the type of connection I needed.
In the end, though I'm still imperfect, today I try to lose track of who reached out last, who planned something, who is trying harder and instead just be the one to pick up the phone again.
What do YOU think? Do you find it hard to make friends? Let us know in the comments below.
Carly Berry
Follow Article Topics: Friendship