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I've read so many articles from women like me, who are postmenopausal and rave about their renewed desire and active sex lives. I ask myself the same questions every time... how? why? I've never had a strong sex drive, but it completely disappeared during menopause (which lasted 10 years) and beyond.
For some, this would be the death knell to a marriage. Yet, it was never a problem for us since my husband's erectile dysfunction coincided with my menopause. If anything, our relationship has evolved over the years into a stronger emotional connection despite the loss of physical lovemaking, and we're okay with the (very) occasional sexual interactions that we do have.
Of course, it wasn't always this way. Early in our marriage, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, but once we started having children, my sex drive waned.
Parenthood was challenging and exhausting. My husband, on the other hand, was just as randy as ever. Every night, he would grope me in bed after the kids had fallen asleep or ask me to join him in the shower. My answer was usually "no" because I was always physically and emotionally drained from spending day after day with four children without a moment's peace to myself.
Like many mothers, I devoted every waking hour to my family so that by nighttime, I fell into bed bone-tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Sexual pleasure was the last thing on my mind. My husband tried to be patient and understanding, but his wounded ego was a persistent voice insisting that his wife was no longer attracted to him, despite numerous reassurances that I still loved him.
Concerned that my lack of carnal desire might hurt his self-esteem, I feigned interest in his sexual advances and faked orgasms to keep things copacetic. I'll admit, though, that the few times I was actually in the mood, the sex was mind-blowing and just as powerful as it had been when we were honeymooners. The problem wasn't sex itself; it was the unsettling mind shift I experienced when I had to switch gears from being a mom to being a seductress in the boudoir. It was challenging, but we made progress by scheduling special date nights and weekend vacations away from the kids, work stress and home life demands.
Once menopause hit, however, the limited sex drive I already had vanished entirely. Even though I was an empty nester with plenty of private time for a romp under the sheets with my husband, the desire just wasn't there. I was too preoccupied with the uncomfortable symptoms of menopause: fatigue, irritability, weight gain, depression and hot flashes that left me sweaty and miserable most of the day.
It also didn't help that the medications I was taking caused a significant drop in my libido, and my hormones were out of whack. The few times I did feel aroused by something I'd seen or read, it was more of an annoying, uncomfortable feeling that needed to be quickly relieved through masturbation. This was a faster, more straightforward and perfectly impersonal method for release, which was all I could handle during menopause. Some of my middle-aged female friends went to great lengths to set the atmosphere with candles, soft music, wine and bubble baths before reaching for their sex toys, but that just wasn't me.
When my husband began experiencing erectile dysfunction around the same time, it felt like a godsend. In some ways, I think my low libido was a relief for him, too, reducing any pressure he might have felt to initiate intercourse when he knew how challenging it would be. Eventually, the uncanny timing of the physical changes we were simultaneously experiencing led to many jokes and brought us closer on an emotional level.
When both of my daughters recently confessed that they'd lost interest in sex with their partners, I was surprised, but I understood. They are mothers in their mid-30s, just as I was, and they have a full plate of obligations that take up most of their time. Their partners, however, still have high sex drives, which my daughters have complained about. During our conversation, we laughed at how easily men seem to compartmentalize their daily experiences and shelve stressful thoughts once they're sexually aroused. My daughters and I wondered if we'd been built hormonally the same way they are, with a laser focus on sex; perhaps we, too, would have increased libidos.
I've also thought about my own mother and the many women from her generation who viewed sex as their marital duty. I believe my mother was like this as well as she often complained about my father's overzealous sex drive. This had me questioning my daughters’ and my low sex drives and the possibility that they were genetically inherited from the maternal side of my family.
There has been quite a bit of scientific debate over the theory that inheritance determines the intensity of one's sex drive, but without definitive proof, the research is still inconclusive. The fact that it seems to run in my family leads me to believe it IS genetic, and I'm okay with that.
An older uncle once told me during the early years of my marriage that an active sex life didn't determine the strength or longevity of a marriage. He said that sex wouldn't always be a priority; it was just a wonderful, physical part of our love in the beginning until we reached our senior years. That's when the real emotional intimacy of relationships begins. Of course, I scoffed at the idea at the time since sexual attraction was still a significant component of our marriage, but now, I understand. Life gets in the way; priorities change, hormones fluctuate and our bodies age.
The flames of carnal desire may disappear, but physical sex is replaced by a more profound sense of companionship and love.
Today, my husband and I are more compatible than ever; he is my ride-or-die best friend, and there's still loads of chemistry between us, even though it's a different kind of chemistry now.
Yes, we are passionate together, but not in a sexual manner. Our form of sexual interaction exists in the heavy kissing, hand-holding and cuddling we do or in the comfortable silence between us when we gaze at each other across the room. The intense love I feel for my husband isn't tethered to a need for sexual pleasure; it resides deeper in my heart as appreciation and respect for the loving, compassionate partner he has become.
Are any of you in the same situation as the woman above? Let us know in the comments below.
Jade Schulz
Follow Article Topics: Marriage