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A taboo whisper from my partner’s lips is all I need to put me in the mood. But watching a sex scene on the big screen? No, thank you. It does absolutely nothing for me. This is not a coincidence, nor is it a minute detail. This is my natural, nervous system response to different stimuli. It doesn’t matter what I want to turn me on — my body is already naturally programmed to respond differently to different sensory experiences. I may be a visual learner in the classroom, but in the bedroom, it is all about the audio.
Natassia Miller, resident AASECT Certified Sexologist at DatingAdvice.com, highlights the “connection between arousal and your nervous system. When you feed it the cue it’s primed to respond to, everything gets easier: arousal builds faster, you stay present longer and pleasure feels less like effort and more like momentum.” Many of us have an idea as to what makes us tick, but “not everyone has identified their particular preference.”
The good news? It’s never too late to give your sex life an upgrade. If you want to tap into your nervous system’s pathway to pleasure, keep reading for the expert tips that will leave you both satisfied and yearning for more.
Discover Your Dominant Cue
Many of us will be turned on by both sound and sight (to some degree), but focus on determining which is more dominant for you. Start a (sexual) journal and pay attention to those moments when you are most turned on. Aleece Fosnight (MSPAS, PA-C, CSC, CSE, MSCP, IF, HAES) suggests that the answers have already revealed themselves. “Do you tend to notice what you see (visual: partner’s body, erotic imagery, how the scene looks) or what you hear (auditory: tone of voice, dirty talk, erotic audio, music)?” Take a walk down memory lane and revisit the orgasms that left you most breathless. What was it that contributed to the pleasure? A glimpse of your partner from a distance? The sounds of hastened breathing and moans of pleasure? Your body won’t lie to you, Girlfriends, so tune in and pay attention to your physical responses.
Communicate and Experiment
Open the lines of communication with your partner and let him know what turns you on. Build your sexual experience around your preference. “If you lean more auditory, focus on building an atmosphere with voice and breath. Ask your partner to describe what they want to do or what they love about what’s happening,” says Miller. Listen to music or erotic audio stories to build the tension. “Starting with sound before moving to touch can be a powerful way to set the mood.” And, of course, if you remove one sense, the others become heightened, so experiment with “closing [your] eyes or slipping on a soft blindfold.”
If visual is more your thing, “use mirrors, undress slowly and shift positions to emphasize what looks good to you.” In other words, be curious, get creative and have fun doing it! While you’re at it, ask your partner what turns him on most. Research indicates that “men on average show more category-specific responses to visual sexual stimuli, while many women are more sensitive to context and narrative.” It’s possible (and likely) that your preferences won’t align, but fret not because they don’t have to!
Find a Balance
You can have great sex by honoring his need for visual stimulation and your need for audio stimulation (or vice versa). Miller says, “The key is to think in terms of layering rather than compromising.” You can take turns with each sexual encounter and focus on one partner’s preference. “One night might be more about sound, with whispered words and dim lighting, while another might highlight the visual with playful exhibition and brighter light.” Or you can blend audio and visual and communicate directly what it is that you desire.
“Simple cues like ‘tell me what you’re thinking’ or ‘stay where I can see you’ make it easy to signal what you need without breaking the flow.” In the bedroom, you can be selfish and selfless at the same time, and that, my friends, sounds like a recipe for sexual success.
Are you more of a visual person or not? Have you lost your libido as you've grown older? Let us know in the comments below.
Follow Article Topics: Sex-&-Intimacy