The Truth About Being An Introvert And My Need For Alone Time

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I love people, I really do. I just prefer them at arm's length and in very small planned doses. You may find me hiding from people I know (and like) in the grocery store because the thought of engaging in an unexpected conversation is far too overwhelming.

I am known to cancel plans at the last minute when my mind, body and spirit tell me that my need to be alone is more important than the demand to keep my commitment. I value my personal space so much that I cringe if someone parks or stands too close to me. My blood boils at amusement parks, malls and concerts, and I am more often than not daydreaming about being wrapped in my favorite blanket on my comfortable couch all by myself.

In other words, I am an introvert.

I am not, however, anti-social, a loner or a total you-know-what. Tim Kleinknecht, founder of Alpine Mind Therapy, points out that introverts “recharge and feel most energized in solitude or low-stimulation environments.” Introverts certainly enjoy socializing but “prefer deep, meaningful conversations over small talk, value their personal space and may feel drained by excessive social interaction.” Yup, that’s me. And let me tell you, the introvert life isn’t always easy because it’s not always understood. For most of my life, I have ignored my need for alone time to please others, but life is too short to say yes when you mean no.

It’s time, fellow introverts, to own your introversion once and for all. Here are some tips to get you started:

Understand Your Nature

Our world is populated with social events and opportunities. Extroversion is the norm. Introverts, being in the minority, can sometimes feel as though something is wrong with them.

“Introversion is not a flaw, it’s a nervous system preference,” says Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, a licensed psychologist. “You’re not selfish. You’re not antisocial. You simply recharge differently and that’s part of how you’re wired.” If you’re an introvert, don’t criticize yourself for needing solitude; accept and respect it as a personal need. Reframe your thoughts to replace the shame with self-respect and drop the negative labels, Girlfriends. You are not rude, anti-social or a loner and you owe zero apologies for listening to the needs of your nervous system. “Introversion isn’t a limitation. It’s a compass,” adds Edwards-Hawver. “Once you start honoring your natural rhythm instead of trying to override it, everything gets lighter.”

Set Boundaries

Understanding your need for alone time is one thing but it’s important to take it one step further by accepting your right to set boundaries, say no and choose how and where you spend your time. For introverts, setting boundaries may mean saying no to things that are actually fun — happy hours, baby showers, dinner dates and girls’ nights out. It can feel rude to turn these invitations down.

“You’re allowed to have needs even if other people don’t understand them,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. “If small talk drains you or being too close makes your body feel tight or irritated, that’s valid. You don’t have to push through it to make someone else feel comfortable.” You can set boundaries with kindness. Be direct and without apology: “Thank you, but I am going to pass as I am feeling over-stimulated,” or “Friday nights are my time to recharge at home alone.”

Saying no isn’t rude, nor is it a rejection of others, so let go of any guilt or pressure to please. “The goal is to stay regulated while honoring your limit,” says Groskopf. Have a response planned and practice saying it out loud, either in front of a mirror or to a trusted loved one, so the words flow more easily when the pressure to say yes builds. Like all hard things, it will get easier with time and practice.

Compromise With Intention

Every introvert will, at some point in their life, love an extrovert, be it a parent, child, friend or lover, and it’s sure to create challenges. Your child’s favorite thing is overcrowded roller rinks; your best friend wants to hang out at the mall and you prefer a movie; your partner wants to go to a party but you want a quiet dinner with just the two of you. How and when should an introvert push herself out of her comfort zone for the love of an extrovert?

“Relationships require compromise,” says Edwards-Hawver, “not self-abandonment.” You need to show up for your loved ones at times when your nervous system would rather not but there are ways to prepare and recover. Schedule longer periods of alone time before and after the event, prioritize exercise, sleep and meditation and set a time limit if possible. “I am happy to go to the party with you and can commit to two hours.”

“The key is to give from a full cup, not an empty one,” says Edwards-Hawver, who tells her clients, “Yes, show up, but build in recovery time… It’s not selfish, it’s strategic and essential for your well-being.”

Remember, Girlfriends, your peace is priceless and it’s right there for the taking — on your couch, with your favorite blanket, a pint of ice cream and not a soul to share it with.

What are you? An introvert or an extrovert? Let us know in the comments below.