I Thought I Couldn't Make New Friends In Midlife — Until I Did This

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On Monday afternoons for the past year, I play Canasta. I didn't think it would be something I’d enjoy (in fact, I wrote about why I would never play in a post in January 2024).

Having grown up in a highly competitive family, I always shied away from playing games as an adult, aside from rummy or Scrabble with my kids.

Ultimately, I changed my mind, and I am glad I did. Not so much for the cards but for the camaraderie this weekly game has brought to my life.

Like many women, I thought making new friends in midlife was impossible. After building a wide social circle from childhood through college, young adulthood, and parenthood, I assumed my days of forming meaningful friendships were behind me.

A series of life events over the years had left me with a void. I became an empty nester, my father passed away after a long illness and my husband traveled more for work. At first, I thought I just needed time to adjust to all the changes.

These changes meant I had more time to actively socialize and that led me to the realization that I had fewer people to socialize with. Many of my longtime friends didn't live nearby or they worked full time or didn't share the interests I wanted to cultivate. And I wasn't "just running into" people as much as I used to. If I wanted to make plans, I had to reach out, which wasn’t always in my comfort zone.

In her 2024 book, The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life, revered sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer focuses on loneliness and the courage it takes to make connections. Dr Ruth wrote, “Nobody is excited to admit they’re having difficulty in the bedroom… Nobody is thrilled to confess they have too few reliable friends.”

Her solution is to encourage people to be like turtles and stick their necks out. "A turtle can’t hunt for food, bask in the sun, or find a mate if it plays it safe forever … Turtles must take risks in order to live and we have to do the same.”

It sounds so easy, yet many of us are unwilling or even afraid to take that step. We wait and hope that our phone will ring (or rather buzz with a text). If people wanted to spend time with us, they would reach out, even though we weren't reaching out ourselves.

In an article in The Girlfriend, Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medicine and host of the "How Can I Help?" podcast from iHeartRadio, says, "When you extend yourself by inviting someone for coffee or a walk, you risk rejection. This can be especially hard when you are older. You may feel you are at a point in your life where you should have enough friends and connections — it's vulnerable to admit your plate is not full and that you are looking for things to do and people to spend time with."

While sticking your neck out means you risk rejection, there’s also a strong chance of there being a reward.

Years of saying “no” when people asked if I wanted to learn how to play Canasta resulted in no one asking anymore. So, it was up to me to take that risk, that leap, that turtle-like move of sticking my neck out from inside the comfort of my shell.

Admittedly, it isn’t as risky as cliff diving or rock climbing, but it still means being vulnerable and saying, “Hi there! Would you like to spend time with me?”

Lucky for me, the answer was a resounding “yes.” That one text led to learning a new skill, a weekly commitment that I enjoy, the chance to deepen relationships and meet some women I would not have spent time with otherwise.

Taking that risk also led me to keep asking people to do things together. Not every phone call, text or suggestion of a plan will have a positive result, and that’s okay.

Some people you contact won't have the time or interest. But try not to take it too personally. If there isn't a friendship “spark,” remind yourself that it just leaves room in your schedule for another person who is open to making or strengthening a connection.

Have any of you managed to make a friend in midlife? Let us know in the comments below.