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Here's Exactly How To Use Lingerie To REALLY Spice Things Up!!

If you don't know where to start or what to buy, we've got you covered.

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Woman lying on the bed in lingerie
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When was the last time your body was laced with lingerie?  

I saw the text (from the guy I am dating) pop up on my screen as butterflies danced around in my stomach. Do women still wear lingerie in their 40s, 50s and beyond?  

I had been single and (intentionally) not mingling for the previous three-and-a-half years, so my dating game was weak, but still … as a divorced mom of three, I couldn’t remember the last time I had worn lingerie. My butterflies were telling me it was time to hit the nearest Victoria’s Secret and embrace my sexy side. I was full of excitement and a little nervous as I processed the shock and awe of the idea that a woman my age would buy, wear and text about lingerie. But I was also totally game! Remind me again why I stayed out of the dating game for so long — this was getting fun!    

I wasn’t really sure where to start, what to buy and how the hell I — after three kids and 40-something years of aging — could rock anything that was sexy and lace.  If you’re like me and ready to bring your sexy back, then these tips from Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot, are for you.   

Wear lingerie for you (and your partner)

Wearing lingerie is something you should do for yourself as much as for your partner. Queen says, “We often think of lingerie as being done for the pleasure of a partner, and that can certainly be true for many people, but it’s really important that we find our own pleasure and excitement in these things; dressing up can be fun and frisky; it involves a certain intentionality about sex and eroticism, which in turn means that we engage in it with agency.” Queen also points out that “for many, there’s a disconnect if our partner has asked us to do it. That can make us dig in our heels (‘What, I’m not enough just as I am?’) or just go into a panic about not being able to [pull] it off.” If this sound like you, fear not and keep reading!

Get your groove back 

If it has been a while since you donned some thigh highs and a garter belt under your date-night dress, don’t expect to get your groove back overnight. Things (read styles and yes, your breasts) have changed over the years; you may need some time to toy around with your own sex appeal before you go flaunting it in the bedroom. Start small and comfortable and work with items you already own. “Think about any sort of garment that can be used to tease and reveal. Before you go lingerie shopping, cut up a T-shirt to accentuate cleavage or flirt with your partner wearing a nice outfit and ask them to undress you. Let your sexy bra peek out. Wear lace under your jacket.” You don’t need to go the whole 10 yards right away — the goal is to embrace your sexiness and get comfortable with it so when the time is right, you can share it with the right person.  

Put some thought into it 

Do a little prep work before you hit the stores, and choose lingerie that fits both your body and your sex life.  Queen suggests you “pay attention to any kind of clothing-related or role-related things in your fantasies that might spark sexy thoughts. Consider your body and best features. Do you know what your partner likes best about your body? If so, accentuate that (if you want to).”  Make a list of items you would like to try on (or things you may only be able to fantasize about trying on); be intentional with your shopping, and have fun with it!  

Shop, shop, shop 

When it is time to start shopping, be patient and don’t settle for anything that doesn’t make you feel like a million bucks; and yes, comfort matters. If you are uncomfortable, it is sure to put a damper on your sexual experience — and chances are, your partner will notice.

If you aren’t sure where to shop, Queen offers some suggestions: “You can shop lingerie departments or specialty stores; kink and fetish-wear websites; put together a vintage look via secondhand shops or Etsy sellers; take garments you already have and cut strategic holes in them. The only rules are the ones you make because you’ve decided to explore this aspect of eroticism.”

When you do find the perfect piece, know that you most definitely can (and should) wear it more than once! I always assumed lingerie was meant to be worn once and only once, but Queen assured me otherwise: “OMG, if you find lingerie you like and look sexy in, wear it as much as you damn well please! It can be your ‘I feel sexy tonight’ signal or just be your ‘sexy armor’ under your work uniform. But if you get comfy with this kind of play, you might want to go shopping again and again.”

The last and final step is to rock it, girlfriend. Rock it when and where and with whom you choose. Look in the mirror and say, “I feel sexy because I am sexy,” and have fun with it. And, of course, never forget that sexy … well, it knows no age.