Last year, as I frantically tried to bake dozens of cookies for the neighborhood cookie exchange, my teenage son wandered in and took in my production line. He casually shoved a cookie in his mouth and smirked.
“Hey, Mah? Why are you decorating cookies in the shape of Christmas vibrators?”
I slowly laid my icing knife down on the counter, wiped the confectioner’s sugar from my forehead, and surveyed the countertop.
What I thought were cutouts of toy soldiers did, in fact, look an awful lot like Christmas-colored sex toys.
And all I could do was laugh. #BuzzHumbug?
That’s because the holidays can bring out the worst in us. Every single year, I find myself accusing my family of hiding the Scotch tape just to annoy me, and I have at least three altercations in parking lots involving overcaffeinated, perky PTA moms wearing “Santa is my favorite!” T-shirts.
And, I have a feeling I’m not alone.
Here are 25 not-so-merry thoughts we will all have in the days leading up to the most wonderful time of the year.
- STARBUCKS HAS RED CUPS! EGGNOG LATTES! WHEEEE!
- That idiot wearing a Santa hat just stole my parking space. Quick, hide! It’s Karen from the PTA. I hope she doesn’t see me and ask me to volunteer for the bake sale after the holiday concert at school.
- Oh look, that Christmas movie I love is on again. For the 86th time. On Dec. 2.
- Why do we have 19 boxes of holiday decorations? And why is this box labeled “Lights that don’t work”?
- Why aren’t the lights blinking? Wait. Now the lights are completely off. No, wait. They are on … nope. Still off. WHY IS WALMART OUT OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON DEC. 9?
- Forget Starbucks. I need real eggnog. And rum.
- Must. Do. Holiday. Shopping.
- Did I really dance on a table at your office holiday party? Wait. Don’t answer that.
- Why does everyone send their holiday cards so damned early, anyway? Mine will arrive by the holiday intended. I’m not a show-off!
- OMG WHY ARE THE LIGHTS NOT WORKING!?!
- Amazon Prime, don’t ever leave me.
- Where is that Scotch tape I bought in October?
- Sure, Karen, I’d be glad to bake 786 dozen cookies for the PTA bake sale after the holiday concert. And help with the kindergarten gingerbread house party. And chair the winter carnival. WHY DOES KAREN HAVE SO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS?
- Seriously, where the $*$* is the tape?
- Screw it. I’m sending Valentine’s Day cards. Everyone loves receiving a valentine, right?
- OMG WHY WON’T THE DOG STOP BARKING AT THE UPS GUY?
- Yes, Mr. UPS Man, I ordered all of my presents at the last minute. You can save the judgy stink eye for someone else. Happy Holidays!
- Crap. I forgot to buy wrapping paper. And the stocking stuffers. And teacher gifts. And gifts for my husband. WHY IS TARGET OUT OF STOCKING STUFFERS ON DEC. 13?
- Sure, Karen, I’d love to come to your catered holiday party in your perfect house with your perfectly coiffed hair and your husband with the perfectly straight teeth. And I’m sorry I made an inappropriate joke about your nutcracker, Karen. I’m blaming that homemade eggnog.
- Note to self: Stick with Starbucks lattes. Never drink eggnog again.
- WHY DID I SAVE THE WRAPPING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE? Dammit, I’m out of tape. I bet Karen never runs out of tape.
- WHY. ARE. THE. LIGHTS. NOT. BLINKING?
- Thank you, Karen, for bringing us a tray of perfectly decorated cookies. Here’s a tray of my holiday cookies. Yes, I’m aware the toy soldier cookies look like vibrators.
- Silent Night, Holy Shit I’m exhausted.
- If anyone needs me, I’ll be sleeping until February. Maybe I’ll send St. Patrick’s Day cards instead …