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24 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When Having Sex With A New Partner

It's been decades.

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asian couple in bed
Elinor Carucci / Trunk Archive
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Getting some passion back in my life was one of the first things on my who-to-do list after my 20-year relationship ended.

Okay, maybe it was more like the 20th thing — after figuring out how to not cry all the time, how to make sure my kids are okay, go over my retirement plan and learn how to use the riding mower. But I knew it would be fabulous and fantastic and that I’d be dizzy with desire.

Wrong. Having sex with someone for the first time is foreign and not nearly as erotic as I’d hoped.

It doesn’t matter who you are — if you’ve had the same partner for two decades, anyone else feels like a stranger in the sack by comparison. Ugh, get my ex out of my head! It’s the ultimate desire-blocker no matter how attracted you are to the new guy. Instead of letting my mind wander to all the sexy places it had before we landed in my boudoir, here I was stuck thinking things that were definitely not sexy:

Slow down Mr. Jack Rabbit, no one is in a hurry here … so long as I get a full 6 ½ hours of shuteye.

Wait! Do I want him to stay?

I do miss spooning. Maybe he’s not a spooner.

God, I like him so much … what if he makes annoying breathing sounds in his sleep?

No, no sleepovers. It feels weird. I shared this bed with my husband!

I need a new bed. I’ll add it to the list.

Hey, this feels good!

If my teenaged kids walk in on us it will absolutely bite me in the ass next time I lecture them.

Oh, we’re changing positions again, I was just getting comfortable.

I’m going to speak up if we shift again — no need to try all the positions ever invented in 15 minutes.

Am I making too much noise? Not enough?

What if I don’t have an orgasm, do I fake one? Then what if we get married and I have to fake it for 15 years? Nope. Not faking it.

Is it normal to feel this sad after an orgasm? It feels like I cheated. Why?

That was exciting and new, but still too different to be comfortable.

How long do we lie here before I say something about needing my z’s?

He cannot stay. What if I fart in my sleep?

I wonder if he’s as nervous as I am?

Ugh, he’s going to hear me after-sex pee.

Why did I spend so much money on this underwear?

Oh boy, he wants to go again.

I’ll take the learning curve because, wow, the second time is so much better!

Okay, ready to have sex? Yes.

Ready to connect emotionally? No!

Does this mean I have to stop? Also, no!