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On one of my daily walks, I passed an older woman gingerly making her way down her steep front steps. She moved slowly and cautiously, hanging tightly to the railing to prevent a fall. I clicked off my earbuds and asked if she needed help.
“Oh, no,” she said. “I’m fine. I’m just coming out to enjoy the day.”
I smiled. “It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?” We shared a quick nod of appreciation for the sunny spring day before I continued on my way. As I walked off, I felt a little burst of happiness from our brief exchange.
I’ve been noticing this more as I get older. I almost always feel better after talking to strangers. It doesn’t have to be anything deep. A brief chat with the cheerful barista at my local café or saying hello to a little dog and her owner while running errands will do the trick. Researchers refer to these tiny moments of connection with casual acquaintances and even strangers as "weak ties," and they can have an outsized impact on your mood.
Take, for example, a study by researchers Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago. They found that people who talked to strangers during their commute reported more positive experiences than those who kept to themselves, even though most had predicted they’d prefer the quiet. It turns out our social instincts are stronger than we realize, and even small interactions can lift our spirits.
We are, after all, social creatures, and it’s well documented that isolation and loneliness take a toll, not just mentally, but physically. Yet we often miss opportunities to connect because we assume others aren’t interested, or we’re worried about seeming awkward. One reason for this is the “liking gap,” which is the tendency to underestimate how much others appreciate our company. Studies have found that after conversations, individuals often believe they were liked less than they actually were. While it may be initially challenging to bridge that gap, simply knowing about your own innate bias can help.
I know this firsthand. I wasn’t always comfortable chatting with strangers. When I was younger, I rarely struck up conversations with people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to be a bother or come across as lonely. During my sophomore year of college, I transferred to a new school and spent the first few weeks with my shoulders hunched and my head down, afraid to stand out. I’d been bullied in junior high, and that experience left me self-conscious and awkward, something that took years to shake.
Even in my 30s and 40s, I was reticent about interacting with strangers. But one of the unexpected upsides of getting older is caring less about what other people think. That loosening of self-consciousness has made it easier for me to strike up conversations. Now, I do it all the time, and almost always walk away feeling more optimistic. For me, the trick is to give a compliment or find common ground or even ask for a small favor like directions or a recommendation for a restaurant in a new town.
If you’re not naturally outgoing or extroverted, don’t worry. You don’t have to become a social butterfly overnight. Start small. Ask the front desk person at the gym how their day is going or thank someone for a job well done. That’s what Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a researcher on happiness and a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, does. She doesn’t enjoy small talk, so she connects with people by offering compliments and expressing gratitude.
For example, if the cashier at the grocery store is particularly fast or helpful, Lyubomirsky will say something like, “You are so good at your job. Thank you so much for making my day better.” For her, this is a way of being authentic — and feeling better about being a human being.
Getting comfortable talking to strangers is like building a muscle; the more you do it, the easier it gets. I’ve found that it’s especially worthwhile when I’m traveling. It opens up all kinds of experiences and possibilities.
On a recent trip to France, I made a point of chatting with people wherever we went, even in my mediocre French. And you know what? Every one of those conversations was valuable. One even led to a new friendship with a French couple that my husband and I met in a little jazz club in Dijon. We kept in touch and hope to see them again this summer when we return.
So next time you have a chance to say hello, take it. That tiny spark of connection might just light up your day — and someone else’s, too.
Do you try to connect with someone daily? Let us know in the comments below.
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Follow Article Topics: Relationships
