Girlfriends, I Have A Shocking Revelation For You
You're going to want to read this.
OK, girlfriends. I have a shocking revelation for you.
Men fake orgasms.
I know, I know. I had the same reaction: shock, disappointment, confusion and a whole lot of curiosity. I always thought this was our thing — you know, something women do that men don’t because … well, how can they and, quite honestly, why would they? Orgasms come easy to men, don’t they?
Maybe not. According to a study done by the University of Kansas, 25 percent of men have faked an orgasm at some point. When I stumbled upon this unexpected nugget of sexual data, I had so many questions — and I went straight to the most honest man I know (we shall call him Ezra) for all of the answers.
“Oh yes, I have faked an orgasm a few times,” he said. He was all-too-excited to share the details of his fake-orgasm history, and I listened with my jaw dropped and mind racing. Ezra provided me with so much detail that I couldn’t help but blush. It turns out he had faked it for the same reason many women do: to put an end to sex (for whatever reason) while sparing his partner’s feelings. He envisioned the honest approach (saying “Hey, orgasm just isn’t happening tonight; let’s end this sexual session, shall we?”) leading to a woman in tears with a shattered ego.
Ezra also described a variety of creative methods for pulling off a stellar fake performance. “Condoms make it easy,” he said. “I just had to be certain to dispose of the evidence quickly.”
He had a few other tricks up his sleeve that included a combination of orgasmic facial expressions and a change in breathing patterns coupled with strategic timing. The good news for us, middle-aged girlfriends? Well, he says this is a thing of the past for him (and likely other men, too): “This is something that felt right in my 20s, but now that I am older I don’t see the point in faking it. Today, I would just be honest.”
While Ezra gave me an honest and detailed look at the world of men’s fake orgasms, I wanted to learn more. To get the 411, I reached out to Megwyn White, director of education at Satisfyer and a certified clinical sexologist. Here is what I learned.
Why are men faking it?
“It’s certainly a personal response to a situation and not one-size-fits-all,” says White. “Some of those reasons may be rooted in a lack of self-confidence where they don’t know how to tell their partner what their needs are — or maybe they don’t even know what their needs are.” Movie-sex doesn’t help, either, she says, as “oftentimes we see that a simultaneous orgasm seems equivalent to mind-blowing sex.” This may put undue pressure on men to climax at the same time as their partner and, in turn, lead to a fake orgasm. There are other reasons, too, like alcohol or drug intoxication, medical conditions and emotional/mental health reasons, but really it is no different than women faking orgasms. We want to end a sexual experience while protecting our partner’s ego.
But … how, exactly?
For as long as I have known about the birds and the bees, I have associated a male’s orgasm with ejaculation, which leaves me wondering how in the heck can a man fake an orgasm? Clearly, we would notice, right? Not so fast, Nancy Drew. The use of a condom would conceal the lack of evidence, so there’s that. White also points out that “ejaculation and orgasm are not always mutually exclusive. This means that while most of the time you may think he is faking it because he has not ejaculated, he could still be achieving orgasm without ejaculating.” Physiology makes it possible that a female partner would miss all the obvious signs. “There are not many touch receptors in the vaginal canal, which means that women may not feel the ejaculation within,” she says. “Additionally, as women and men have sex with one another, the fluids combine, making it impossible to decipher whether it’s the fluid from both partners or just from her.” And here’s one more shocking piece of news: Some men, Ezra included, have admitted to using their own spit to fake out their partner into thinking they have ejaculated. That just feels like it takes it from a trick to a downright lie, but hey, who am I to judge?
So, what’s a gal to do?
If you realize that your man isn’t achieving orgasm during your sexual encounters, don’t fret. The most important thing you can do for your relationship (and it’s sexual future) is discuss the issue when the time is right. White suggests avoiding “language that sounds as if you are blaming them.” Be sure to compliment him and the things you enjoy about your sex life; ask him what he thinks about your lovemaking, and if he doesn’t bring up the topic of faking orgasms, just ask him. “While it may feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, it’s important to create a safe space where both people can share their feelings and their needs,” she says.
Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him reach orgasm, and listen to his response with an open mind. Use this as an opportunity to spice things up. White suggests that couples “introduce sexual pleasure products. It’s a fun way to try something new and boost sexual creativity in the bedroom!”
And remember, sex isn’t just about orgasms. It can be just as enjoyable and intimate without them. “When there is so much focus on (orgasm), it can be easy to miss the experience of pleasure along the way,” White says. “The more couples can let go of needing to have certain outcomes, the more present, in synch, and open to making discoveries along the way they will be.”