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I recently went down the Esther Perel rabbit hole.
The New York Times bestselling author and arguably the premier modern relationship expert has tons of thoughts on marriage, offering tips on everything from affairs to arguments to sex. So, having been married for nearly two decades, I decided to read everything and anything by Perel and apply my favorite bits of her advice to my own relationship.
Perel asks: Would you rather be right or be married?
This is one of the key questions Perel asks during couples’ therapy. I’ll be the first to admit that I often start arguments because I’m in a bad mood or frustrated with other aspects of my life. Most of these arguments aren’t too deep.
For example, one regular disagreement we have is about control. My husband loves to sleep. He takes a daily two-hour nap (he has an unconventional job that allows this), and I can’t stand it. I’ve tried to explain that he doesn’t need this much sleep — he’s missing out on life and not helping enough because he’s always napping. He argues that he needs his rest to function, and I counter that he needs to wake up.
Would I rather be right or be married? I’d rather be married. I’m attempting to accept his sleep rituals for the sake of our marriage. After all, who am I to tell someone else how to sleep? It still frustrates me, but this is one argument I’m never going to win, so I’m trying to let it go.
The result: It’s been so much more peaceful. We’ve been married for 18 years, and his naps have occurred forever. I might as well just accept it and move on.
Perel says: Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Yes, novelty is great, but I’ve known my husband since I was 13. I don’t expect much novelty in our conversations or activities. I guess Perel expects this excuse, so she suggests replacing our overused questions such as, “How was work?” and “What do you want for dinner?” with new ones: “I was never the same after…” and “If I could whisper in the ear of my 18-year-old self, I’d say…” or “Here’s a text message I fantasize receiving…”
The result: To be honest, none of my husband’s responses were shocking. But these questions were really fun and initiated deeper life conversations. Also, my husband’s answers helped me love him even more: What would he tell his 18-year-old self? “To work on psychology and getting to know myself so I can balance emotional hurdles in the future.” As an 18-year-old, I may not have appreciated his response. But as a 44-year-old? Perfection.
Perel’s tip: Make and receive bids for connection.
By far, this is my favorite relationship advice. Bids for attention are attempts by you or your partner for connection. For example, he may ask you to watch a YouTube video together about the Roman Empire. You may have no interest in doing this whatsoever, so you decline. According to the Gottman Institute, which follows a research-based relationship approach, those still married at the six-year point accepted bids from their partners 86 percent of the time. Those who were divorced at that same point accepted bids only 36 percent of the time.
I’ve always tended to reject my husband’s bids for attention. I work full-time and have two needy children. So, when he asked me to watch a video, take a bike ride, or even go out for date night, I typically declined. Once I started forcing myself to accept his bids, our relationship instantly changed.
The result: Not only do I feel closer to my husband because I’m spending more time with him and I was open to his ideas, but I also feel happier because I can see how much he wants to share with me. He also feels more satisfied as I’m paying more attention to him.
Perel’s tip: Don’t expect your partner to provide everything for you.
Perel constantly reinforces the idea that a happy, content life takes a village — but many people turn to their partner for everything from friendship to knowledge to compassion to sex. It’s a recipe for disappointment. She says those with a community of friends and social resources have better marriages. Essentially, we rely on our partner for too much and have very high expectations of what a partner should do to help us.
This is a work-in-process for me, as I admit to being slightly co-dependent. My husband is my tech guy, my best friend, my personal chef and even my comedian. I’m disappointed when he doesn’t immediately understand my needs. When I’m venting, he’ll often construct complicated solutions to my issues when I just need him to listen. He can’t, though — he’s a problem-solver. This has been a very frustrating issue in our relationship, so I got myself a therapist I can vent to for an hour every week. I’m creating a village one person at a time.
The result: We’re still working on this. I do find that when I hang out with friends, speak with my therapist and rely on people besides my husband, that it’s good for our relationship. No one can be everything to me. I just need to keep reminding myself.
What do you think of the above? Have you read anything by Esther Perel? Let us know in the comments below.
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Follow Article Topics: Relationships
