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If you’d asked me if I was still in love with my ex-husband when we separated, I would have told you I had feelings of love, but that I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
The passion was gone. So was our sex life. We were roommates, and we got on each other’s nerves. Even though I’d tell myself every day to try harder to get back to where we were when we were happy, we couldn’t get there.
We split amicably. I helped him decorate his new place, and we still got together for months. I told him to date — actually, I encouraged it — because I felt like if he could just move on, then I could too, without all the guilt divorce serves.
I wasn’t jealous when he met someone and fell in love. Deep down, I knew it would happen for me, too. I couldn’t wait, and I was positive there were lots of amazing men out there waiting for a woman like me.
That was almost a decade ago. When I say I’ve been on hundreds of dates, that’s not an exaggeration. I’ve been on all the dating sites, been set up, and tried dating friends. I’ve dated a few men exclusively, only to break it off after a month. I even had a relationship where we’d daydream about the future.
But I couldn’t get there with him or any of the other men.
I’d sit across from them in a restaurant or kiss them in a parking lot, thinking of my ex. I’d do the same, having sex or watching them try to handle something my ex knew how to do, like replace the boards on a set of rotting steps. I thought it would pass. This game of comparison.
I had a date last week and sat across from a man who is perfect on paper — grown kids just like me, steady job, homeowner, family man, ex-pro golfer, active and fit — when I realized something.
He wasn’t my ex.
Not only was he not my ex, but I’ve had the same thought over and over for the past decade, no matter what stage of a relationship I’m in with a man.
So all this time I’ve been thinking I just need to meet the right one. Maybe that will somehow erase the wonderful memories I have of my past, allowing me to move on and find happiness just like my ex has.
It’s not them, it's me. I’m the one who is stuck. They’re not lacking anything, but I am. And I’m not sure what this is or when it will let go or when it will feel like it will be OK for me to give myself to another man. Actually, I’m not sure if it ever will. It just became so clear to me that afternoon as I left the restaurant and broke down in my car. The reason I can’t move forward is that I’m still in love with the man. A man I met when I was 23.
I find myself jealous that he has someone, and I don’t. I’m an independent woman, and I rather enjoy having my nights to myself now that my kids are grown and on their own, even though I miss them deeply. I have days when I can’t imagine sharing a bed with a man or letting him move in or changing my schedule around to fit his needs.
I can only imagine doing that for my ex-husband. And I’m not sure if it’s because we did it for almost 20 years or because he’s the father of my kids. But I’m pretty sure it’s just because I still love him. And I can’t even really explain why — I just know that I do.
In fact, I knew it so much that I had to break down and tell him. I told him that even though he’s been in a long-term relationship and is living with her. I told him through my tears. I told him when it wasn’t convenient. I told him because I didn’t think I could hold it in once I figured it out for myself.
He could say nothing except, "I really can’t talk about this." And we haven’t talked about it since. I’m pretty sure we never will again, but I know that telling him that I still love him and my door is open is taking one step toward moving on. Because if I never said the words, I knew I would always regret it. It’s not fair to me or the other men that I’m trying to date.
Maybe one day we will reconcile, and maybe we won’t. Who knows? But I know the healthy thing for me to do is to be honest about my feelings, feel them, and move on in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody else.
It felt good to admit to myself what I’ve tried to bury for almost a decade and to share it with the person I love.
Even if he doesn’t love me back.
Can any of you relate to the above? Let us know in the comments below.
Vivian Shih
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
