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Xaviera Altena
Relationships

It May Not Be The Sexiest Of Times

But you can still keep the thrill alive — with these 4 simple tips.

We are all in close quarters right now, which is good and bad. Space gives us freedom to think, feel, reset and love the one we are with, but how do you keep the flame alive in a time of stress, and with kids swarming around? Add in a lack of personal care services — waxing, haircuts and coloring, etc. — and this simply is not the sexiest of times. It doesn’t mean, however, that all intimacy has to be lost. Here’s how to keep the thrill alive during quarantine.


Find your mojo
Without the usual boundaries of a scheduled lifestyle and date nights, it’s a new world of creating boundaries of time and space — as well as headspace — for intimacy.

“This takes a lot of extra energy. So, don’t be hard on yourself if you find yourself exhausted. Be nice to yourself,” says Sarah Faircloth, an emotionally focused therapy couples’ counselor and yoga teacher of two decades. Give yourself grace, and time to transition from work and parent life. “This could be taking a quick shower. Sitting quietly for one minute and focusing on your breath. Do something physical. Your body will lead your mind.”

Knowing that transition takes energy, it may bring up anxious feelings of resentment toward your partner. Turn the negative energy into a positive by focusing on what you need, Faircloth advises.

Pamper yourself
For many, little beauty rituals make all the difference in feeling sexy or not feeling sexy. Explore what it is about these rituals that makes you feel sexy, Faircloth says.

“Part of it may be feeling sleek, clean, well-groomed. This may lead to feelings of confidence, which research has shown is a highly desirable trait in mates,” she adds.

A bit of DIY beauty ritual time may not be quite the same as your usual routine, but it can help to reduce stress (and it’s better than nothing).

“It also can be considered part of foreplay because you are engaging your imagination of your partner and how you are going to feel with them when beneath the sheets,” Faircloth says.

Other ways to attune your erotic self: Focus on other aspects of foreplay that you initiate. Think about ways you participate in your sexual life. Do those things. And try new ones. Ask yourself what kind of sex life you want to have with your partner. Ask each other. Have conversations.

“Give yourself a set time to daydream and explore your sexual fantasies, however you do that for yourself,” she says. “No one will imagine this for you. It’s up to you to give yourself time to do so.”

Make a date
When worry zaps your energy to make a date night, talk about it. Express your feelings to your partner rather than allowing feelings of guilt or angst to bubble. Come up with a plan for whatever date escape is best for you given your household scenario, and then follow through with making that date.

“Plan it for when your kids are asleep or in front of a show. Think of quarantine date nights like theater. You have to act, improvise, imagine,” Faircloth says.

Hugs are free
Also keep in mind the power of touch. If sex isn’t in your wheelhouse right now, turn on a favorite song, grab your honey and dance; snuggle; cuddle; give massages.

“Be clear with each other as to what kind of snuggle you need. Adults need both comforting and erotic touch,” Faircloth says. “You have extra time together. Consciously create togetherness and alone time. Otherwise, a whole day can go by without really connecting.”

Michele Huggins is an editor and content creator in Charlotte, North Carolina, who is using all the mental and emotional tools she has to find the silver linings while at home with her family.

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