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What Married Women Are Doing Wrong When It Comes To Sex

C'mon, ladies. We can do better.

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illustration of man and woman with clothes on on top and nothing on the bottom
Kiersten Essenpries
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Recently, I was with a group of moms during a Girls Night Out and, inevitably, the topic of sex came up. As soon as one of the women referenced sex, several of the others predictably rolled their eyes or made a joke about having to “do the deed” with their partner. The vibe was that sex was a chore, just one more thing to check off our never-ending to-do lists, and I was left scratching my head.

Because, I have to say, ladies, married sex is pretty damned great. And I can't help but wonder, why do so many married women — even happily married ones — whine about their husbands. It's almost become a sport, a routine part of any night out with friends.

Yes, believe me, I have looked at the clock when I’ve fallen into bed after a long day of work, and have briefly considered playing the headache card. But come on, ladies: Can we all admit that sex at this stage of the game actually doesn’t suck?

I mean, let’s face it: The fact that your husband still gives you bedroom eyes when he beholds the sight of your messy bun and yoga pants has to count for something, right?

And yes, kids — especially teens — make it next to impossible to be spontaneous, but a quickie while your teens are at a movie can go a long way in making you feel like a teenager again, am I right? And don’t worry, I’ll save the story about the time we cut it a little too close and our kids came home to find me coming out of our bedroom, tucking in my shirt, for when we have more wine. #winkwink #bowchickawowwow

Intimacy with a long-term partner takes the guesswork out of sex: He doesn’t need a road map, and you both can get right down to the good stuff without wasting a minute. There’s something to be said for someone who knows what you like and who will overlook the fact that your mom hips have gotten wider. And admit it: He still looks sexy, even when he’s wearing that shirt from college you wish he’d burn already.

Can we talk about feeling more connected to your partner as the years go by? Sure, my husband and I met in college and our early romance was hot and steamy, but a stronger bond forms when you’ve survived a toddler vomiting in the middle of the night. When I look across the room and see my husband patiently helping our daughter with her homework or cleaning up a mess from our dog, I’m reminded why I married him. And it makes me want to jump his bones, if I’m being honest.

I’m not sure where it’s written that we have to start complaining about sex when we reach middle age. Whether it’s a night out with the girls or a hilarious movie about moms in the PTA, it seems the “sex is a chore” trope is becoming commonplace.

And I, for one, just don’t see it that way.

Because I’m married to a man who has seen me poop and he still says, “You wanna?” pretty regularly.

I don’t hate the feel of his feet next to mine in bed, and though his farts can fell a horse, he’s still the one who makes my heart skip a beat when I look into his eyes.

And married sex is a sure thing: No more meat-market bars is a total bonus. Ahem.

Sometimes letting go of the expectations of our early sex lives — the times when we had sex with wild abandon in the middle of the night — leads you to the place where you realize that sex isn’t about the physical act. It’s about the person you are with — the one who has helped you decipher tax forms and paid your parking tickets.

And the best part? Sex with your long-term partner means you never have to set foot in a lingerie store again. Because we are old enough to know that crumpled yoga pants look the same as fancy panties when they are on the floor.

The only difference now is that there’s probably a huge pile of laundry at the foot of the bed and a dog scratching at the door to be let out.

Just go with it, ladies. #ihopewelockedthedoor