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Did you know that friendship can profoundly impact our physical and mental well-being, especially as we age? Dozens of studies have found that adult friendships, especially those that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
“Friendship in midlife is crucial because as we get older, our level of connection matters even more for our overall health and well-being than it does when we're younger,” says Dr. Marisa G. Franco, professor, speaker and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.
So how can we nurture the friendships we already have while juggling a career, family and life’s ups and downs? Here are some suggestions:
Don’t Keep Score
Friendships aren’t always perfectly balanced and it’s self-defeating to keep tabs on who reached out first or who initiated plans, explains Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship.
“Look for reciprocity in other parts of the friendship. If you tend to reach out first most of the time, is your friend always responsive? Is she a great listener? Reciprocity doesn’t look like, ‘I make a certain type of effort, and you mirror that exact effort,’” says Badzin, who’d also like to see women be a little easier on each other.
“Many of us are balancing responsibilities to both younger and older generations as well as busy careers and side hustles. We might be working on staying more present in our lives by being less glued to our phones. This means it will take longer to respond to texts and other virtual communications on social media. Don’t create a story about your friends being mad at you.”
Show Up in Good Times … and Bad
Pay close attention to showing up for your friends during what Dr. Franco calls “diagnostic moments” – the highs and lows of life, such as getting a new job or going through a bad breakup. Those are moments of high emotion that people tend to remember and will disproportionately impact how satisfied you are with the friendship overall.
“When your friend is sick, can you send them some soup? Or, when they're getting divorced, can you text them maybe once a week? Can you bring them a meal? It’s really important to show up in those diagnostic moments to strengthen the friendship.”
Show Affection
When was the last time you let your friends know how much you care about them? According to Dr. Franco, the more we show people we like them, the more they like us. “There's a theory called Risk Regulation that indicates, basically, how much we decide to invest in a relationship based on the degree to which we think will get rejected. So, when people show affection towards us, they tell us they won't reject us, and we are then free to deeply invest in the relationship.” She suggests telling a different friend every month why they are meaningful to you.
Try Something New
If making new friends is a top priority for you, Badzin says that the best way to build new friendships is to try something you’ve never tried before. This could be anything from pickleball to a pottery-making class. “Choose something where there will be talking before, during and after so there’s time to get to know people on a regular basis,” she explains. “Scheduling is the hardest part of friendship. A class takes the scheduling out of your hands in the best way.”
Make an Effort
“People really take friendship for granted. They don't put in a lot of effort, but the less effort we put into friendship, the lonelier we are over time,” says Dr. Franco. The key, she says, is to shift your mindset and understand that friendship takes work and intention. Some ways to do this include reaching out more often and scheduling regular get-togethers like a standing lunch date or museum outing.
People also underestimate how much time it takes to build strong, long-lasting friendships, explains Badzin. “I always advise people who are feeling lonely or unsatisfied with their current friends to start looking for a friend, not a close friend or a ‘best friend.’ It takes the pressure off and allows a natural friendship to build over time.”
How do you keep your friendships strong? How many close friends do you have? Let us know in the comments below.
Franziska Barczyk
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
