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On a rushed Monday morning, my husband and I got into a heated argument. One of our kids called to ask for help with adulting, and without the time to properly digest the situation and work together to offer a solution, we each blurted out our own suggestions — suggestions totally at odds with each other.
After the phone call ended, we each hurriedly tried to explain our points of view in an attempt to sway one another over to our own line of thinking, but neither of us showed any interest in understanding the other. Frustrations mounted quickly, insults were hurled and we began fighting about how we were fighting., Neither of us capitulated.
Recognizing he’d poured gasoline on the blaze, my husband called to apologize within a few minutes of leaving the house for work. I thanked him brusquely for the apology, but also hissed that I was too busy to talk and ended the call. Back in the day, I would have had the cleansing release and satisfaction of slamming the phone down.
Simply pushing the end-call button to get some space from him didn’t help expel the negative energy. At just a few minutes beyond our mutual display of ugliness and his extra dose of nonsense, I was still too riled up for his apology — even though it was sincere — to have much of an effect.
A few weeks prior, our roles were reversed. I was in the wrong and needed to apologize to him. When I did, he had trouble accepting it because it was still too close to the heat of the moment. Now I understood how he felt.
We’ve been married for 30 years. I like to boast to people that it’s been 12 of the happiest years of our lives. It always gets a good laugh, even though I’m as serious as I am joking.
We’ve beaten the odds so far, even though we don’t fight well. I’ve listened to countless relationship experts explain that the way couples fight is a major predictor of divorce. It's not the arguments — all couples have them — but rather it's the way couples argue and what happens after.
We don’t resort to physical violence, but I’ll tell you I’ve never wanted to smack or shove anyone more than I have my husband. We bring out the worst in each other. We can be mean. We bring up the past. We exaggerate and use accusing words like “never” and “always.” One of us is often passive-aggressive. One of us is so averse to passive-aggressiveness that she becomes even angrier about the way we’re fighting that she can’t see or think straight.
One of us needs to resolve conflict immediately, while the other needs time and space to calm down before engaging in conflict resolution. When we are at odds, our different communication styles add insult to injury.
Luckily, we also bring out the best in each other. We’re terrible at fighting well, but we excel at circling back around to do the repair. We are both excellent at recognizing our bad behavior and owning it.
A couple’s willingness and ability to make this essential repair are major predictors of a marriage’s longevity. The other side of the coin is what my husband and I keep flipping for.
We are stellar at delivering a sincere apology—one without a “but…” at the end that effectively negates the apology to the point that it counts for nothing. We have learned to say and mean, “I’m sorry for the thing I said or did, full stop. “Please forgive me” is often our follow-up because we’ve also learned you can’t demand forgiveness. You must respectfully ask for it.
We have come to accept that perpetual forgiveness for sincerely regretted mistakes, though tedious, is the only way to combat the whack-a-mole situation that marriage is. The two of us have gotten so streamlined at apologies when due that we’re almost too sexy for our shirts. We are so good at making an apology that we do it too quickly, before the incensed has time to become censed.
So, at 30 years in, we’re learning to finesse the art of apology by doing the two-step. Not the dance, I have no rhythm and can’t follow a lead. Rather, the two-step apology. It’s sometimes going to take two times saying you’re sorry. Once when you’ve shat the bed and need to own it, and another when your partner is calm enough to receive it. Once you’ve said the words, “I’m sorry,” too quickly (even though there’s really no such thing as too quickly because waiting is another can of worms) and once you’ve also been told, “I’m sorry,” too soon — you’ll understand the need for the two-step.
It won’t mean you’re bad at relationships. Rather, it’ll mean you’re getting good at them.
Are you and your partner good at apologizing to one another? Let us know in the comments below.
Elizabeth Brockway
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
