Why It Took Me Years To Get Comfortable With Doing This One Key Thing

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It's Saturday night, and I am on the couch. The sushi I ordered will arrive soon, and I bought my favorite flavor of fro-yo as a sweet treat for dessert. Wearing sweats with my remote control in hand, I am ready for an evening at home alone.

My only feeling is pure contentment.

I didn't experience the true joy of spending an afternoon or evening alone until several years ago. Before that, the idea of being alone without “fun” plans would have filled me with unease. Whether it’s an afternoon of solitude or a solo Saturday night, I have finally become comfortable with being alone.

Fear of Missing Out

Before the term "FOMO" even existed, I suffered from this affliction. It consumed my teenage years and young adult life. Being alone, especially on a weekend night, would have filled me with dread. Rather than enjoying the solitude, I would spend the time worrying and wondering.

“Perspective on being alone can begin in childhood,” explains Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist and owner of DML Psychological Services, PLLC. "At a young age, some people enjoy solitary play, while others associate being alone with loneliness. In young adulthood, feeling alone can continue to feel negative — as if you've been left out. This is especially true for extroverts who derive energy from being social."

I Have to Be Busy

I want to say that as I got older, I outgrew my insecurities about spending time alone. But the truth is that time grew scarcer. As a wife, mother and freelance writer, I had a packed schedule. Time alone was fleeting, so when I had it, I was able to lean into it.

But when the kids left for college and my husband's work travel intensified, those old feelings started to creep up again. Many people in my life said, "You must be so excited to have some 'me' time finally. I know I would be."

Instead, my stomach was secretly churning.

My immediate thought was to go full speed ahead and start making plans with people, filling up that calendar. And while being social is very important, so is being comfortable with being alone sometimes.

Dr. Gail Saltz, an attending psychiatrist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, says, "Some people find making plans or the need to be 'on' in social situations exhausting, so alone time is welcome. But for many others, there is an 'I have to be busy' mentality. For those people, plans and socialization provide a distraction, and so alone time can be anxiety-producing."

Learning to Enjoy My Own Company

“It may take practice for alone time to go from feeling unpleasant to enjoyable," Dr. Saltz explains. “It may be uncomfortable at first and require some internal dialogue to dampen down the anxious thoughts about being alone. But ultimately, it’s worth the effort.”

It did take some time to change my mindset to believe that being alone could be an opportunity rather than a punishment. It started with going to a show I wanted to see.

My husband hates musicals, and I couldn't find a date that worked for any of my theater-loving companions. With the closing date looming, I spontaneously bought a ticket and went.

Admittedly, I felt odd and jittery. But it was terrific, and when I got home that night, I was happy I went. I made it a point to do it again, and the second time was easier. Now, going to a show is an activity I know I like, with or without a buddy. My old mindset of “I’m sad I have no one to go to see this show with” has been replaced by “I am so lucky I get to see this show I want to see.”

I have used that same new philosophy when I have stayed in on a Saturday night or gone to a museum solo.

Ticket For One

As I've become more comfortable spending time alone, I have learned a few things about myself. First of all, there are some things, like going out to dinner, that I only enjoy with company, and that is okay. "Getting comfortable being alone is about getting to know yourself better," says Dr. Leno.

Second, no one is looking at me, Dr. Saltz explains. "People have a fear of social judgment. They think if they go out alone, others will judge or feel sorry for them. In reality, most people are focused on themselves."

“The judgment you are experiencing is projection, your feelings about a person (or yourself) being out alone or having no plans on a Saturday night,” adds Dr. Leno. “If you can overcome that internal judgment, you will be happier and more confident."

Because alone time felt awkward, I never did anything but stay in when I was by myself. And while I still do enjoy a solo night on the couch with a book or Netflix, getting comfortable being alone has actually decreased my “FOMO.” I am no longer missing out on a show, an exhibit or a new workout class because I don’t have someone else to join me. It's been liberating.

I worried that I might become too comfortable being alone. After the pandemic lockdown, like many people, I did feel a sense of social awkwardness when we returned to the world and began socializing again. Would more time alone lead me to become more inward and start avoiding social situations? For me, it’s been a good thing. Appreciating solitude has made me appreciate socializing with family and friends even more, and I’ve found balance where I can enjoy the benefits and energy they bring about.

Now, when I spend time with people, it’s because I genuinely want to be with them — not because I’m fearful of being alone.

 Are you a person who doesn't mind spending a Friday or Saturday night alone? Let us know in the comments below.