I am a hopeless romantic. When Cupid’s arrow strikes, life is lighter, smiles are wider and laughs are louder. Unfortunately, 2023 was a year of heartbreak for this single mom. What started with wider smiles quickly morphed into something else. What about 2024? I have decided that this year, I am not looking for love. I will neither chase it nor seek it. I refuse to “put myself out there” as I have in the past. And I will not fall victim to thinking and feeling that my life is incomplete until I meet him — whoever he is. Not this year. Here’s why:
Love Hurts
When I am newly in love, oh, I love everything about life! Doing the dishes, taking the garbage out, waking up early — it’s all wonderful and fun and exciting because my heart and soul are consumed with the giddiness of a teenager after her first kiss. I love it. I love life. But guess what? Heartbreak hurts. I am still not over my heartbreak of 2023. I might tell you otherwise, but here’s the truth: I am still trying to make sense of our three-year relationship, how it ended, and how the hell he just walked away and never looked back. I check my phone daily, hoping he sent me a text message. I stalk him on social media. And I fall asleep to thoughts of us reuniting. It hurts like a bitch, and as much as I’d like to say finding a new and improved love interest will heal my old wounds, we all know that is a big, fat lie. I’m not interested in getting hurt again. Not today, Satan. This year, I will focus on accepting what was so I can be at peace with what is.
Love Isn’t Easy to Find
Have you been on Bumble, Tinder or Hinge recently? My gosh, it’s slim pickings. The online dating scene has just about killed chivalry. Men’s profiles are full of commands: swipe left if you don’t agree with my politics. If you don’t like dogs, I don’t like you. If your waist is bigger than your IQ, I’m not interested. And step two is almost always, “Send more pictures.” It’s so depressing! It is the antithesis of what dating and love should be: spontaneous, unexpected, passionate and patient. I can’t quite figure out why people don’t really meet in the real world anymore. Perhaps it’s because of online dating, but it’s hard to know which is the chicken. Even if I wanted to look for love this year, I wouldn’t know where to start!
Love Knows No Age
Ah, that used to be such a romantic idea to me. Once we’re adults, any two people can fall in love. What’s the difference of a few years in age, right? Love is more powerful than numbers. Well, now I am 45, and sorry, but love should know an age! The past two men I had crushes on were both my age. And guess what? They eventually ended up with girlfriends who were anything but our age! I’m talking 45-year-old men with 30-year-old women. Am I bitter and jealous? Hell, yeah, I might be. But my gosh, if my competition is young, perky and un-wrinkled, I just can’t. No thank you, cradle-robbers.
Love is an Inside Job
If 2023 taught me anything, it’s that the only love I need to chase is my own. I have worked hard over the years to cultivate self-love and acceptance and have made great strides. It’s not that I don’t love myself, because I do. But somewhere along the way, I quieted the voices of self-worth and self-respect to hang on to him. I tolerated behavior that hurt me. I gave apologies but never received any. I overlooked my desperation and was grateful for breadcrumbs.
I loved him so much and think my love for him was true. But he didn’t love me back. I knew that. I knew that and said, “That’s okay, as long as I don’t lose him.” But I lost him anyway, and then I lost myself. This new year is when I put myself back together. I am not exactly sure how to do that, but I know it starts and ends with me. And when I finally love myself unconditionally again, maybe love will find me. Goodbye 2023, hello, self-love!
Are you looking for love in 2024? Or taking a break? Let us know in the comments below.
Mariah Llanes
Follow Article Topics: Relationships
