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Recently, I resumed taking an in-person exercise class. Although I do like the convenience of working out at home, it is also energizing and fun to be surrounded by other people.
At the spin studio near my home, I’m partial to one instructor who makes the 45 minutes pass much faster. Along with her great music selections, I enjoy her repartee with the class. I find her to be equal parts motivating and thought-provoking as she riffs on various topics in a stream of consciousness.
During a class a few weeks ago, she started talking about something she saw posted on Instagram by actress Valerie Bertinelli. Bertinelli had posted a throwback photo of herself from 1979 during her time at CBS on the hit TV series One Day at a Time.
The instructor pointed out that most of the comments on the photo were kind, but a few were negative. In particular, someone wrote, “Why are you trying so hard to stay relevant?”
My instructor (who is probably around my age) expressed outrage, and I concurred. What a negative suggestion that just because a woman ages, she is somehow no longer relevant AND should stop trying!
The Concept of Relevance
Dr. Caroline Leaf, author of the new book Help in a Hurry, says, “For me, being ‘relevant’ means being able to contribute knowledge, wisdom, insight and commentary to current issues and topics that align with the zeitgeist of the moment. To do this well, one has to be tuned into what different communities are saying about issues to the best of one's abilities.”
By that definition, relevance should increase, not decrease, as we age.
Leaf says, "The most important factor in being, and staying, relevant as a woman (or any person of any gender) is managing one's mind to stay true to who you are at your core, but also to be able to tune into others and listen to what people in your community are experiencing and how you have a unique answer to questions we all face as human beings.”
Fighting Ageism
The comment on Bertinelli’s post is mean-spirited and, frankly, unnecessary. The commentator could have just moved on and typed nothing rather than something so rude.
“The comment does say more about the commentator than it does about Bertinelli,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, associate attending psychiatrist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. “The need to bring someone else down stems from their personal insecurity and fear that there is a finite amount of relevance to go around.”
Relevance is not a scarce commodity. "There is no reason for anyone to think it's 'my turn' when it comes to relevance," says Saltz. "Relevance is not a limited resource. There is room for everyone to be relevant at any age."
The commentator also implies that Bertinelli's time is up, and she needs to step aside simply because she has gotten older. But the idea that relevance has some expiration date is absurd.
“People shouldn't want to disappear, and instead be seen throughout our lives,” says Saltz. “Humans should want to continue to seek relevance at every age.”
Relevance Redefined with Time
The comment that Bertinelli was trying to hold onto relevance with her old photo implied that her value diminished with age.
But a desire to be relevant doesn’t end when our hair starts to grey. “Our natural desire to be deeply connected with others is a strong driving force to stay relevant because it solidifies our place in our families and communities,” says Leaf.
As people continue to strive for relevance as they age, how they achieve it may change and evolve over time. Understanding what it means to be relevant at a certain age can be as simple as asking yourself, “What gives me a sense of purpose?” and using the answer as a guide. "Each person needs to understand what the concept of relevance means to them," Leaf says.
Self-reflection can be a helpful tool when searching for relevance. “One way to practice this is to start a thought journal,” says Leaf. “Write down your thoughts, reactions and triggers as you think about your own relevance and worth.
Over time, this will allow you to observe patterns in your thinking and see how you can shift your own perspective and how you think about what you have to give to the world.”
Relevant at Any Age
It's a sad reality today that there are people who feel a need to comment negatively on another person. “We have become desensitized as a society, and some feel it’s their prerogative to express their opinion, especially hidden behind a keyboard,” says Saltz.
On the other hand, we all have opportunities to build each other up. “We thrive when we change our perspectives and focus on enhancing, rather than competing with one another,” says Leaf. “When we celebrate others with genuine kindness, we are recognizing everyone’s uniqueness and that there is something they can do that you cannot, and vice versa — the parts contribute to the whole.”
I don’t think my spin instructor thought I would leave class with her words echoing in my mind. But I did, and that is a good thing. She reminded me of an important truth. We don’t need to “try hard” to be relevant — regardless of our age or stage.
True relevance thrives when we shift our focus from competition to connection. I believe that fighting to be the “most” relevant one will affect your authenticity and, therefore, your true relevance.
Have you started feeling almost invisible as you grow older? Let us know in the comments below.
Eden Weingart
Follow Article Topics: Wellness