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It’s 1988, and I’m 10 years old. My mom drags me to her step aerobics class at Tully Gym. I stand outside the room with foggy mirrors, watching women jump up and over plastic steps as Madonna’s “Dress You Up in My Love” blares from the speakers. The women are dressed in bright leotards, spandex shorts, sweatbands and leg warmers. In my young mind, they were totally rad. I begged my mom to let me join the class. I dreamed of being one of them, dancing along like I was Jane Fonda. My mom made me wait until I was a little older, but eventually she bought me a pair of blue biker shorts and a bright leotard of my own, and I joined in on the fun.
Fast-forward a few decades — my love of fitness remains, but my fashion choices? Oh, how they’ve changed! I wouldn’t be caught dead in my old bright leotards (and I thought no one else would be either). Imagine my surprise when I recently caught sight of a woman in biker shorts. Gag me with a spoon, I thought. What is she thinking? Biker shorts are so ’80s. I promised myself this was one trend I would never entertain again! However, as is often the case, fashion tends to recycle itself. I started seeing biker shorts everywhere — paired with oversized t-shirts, tiny sports bras and cute off-the-shoulder crop tops. Before I knew it, I was completely on board with the return of these cute shorts. Excited to find the perfect pair that would prevent my thighs from rubbing together mid-run, I started my search.
I quickly learned that biker shorts are not the most forgiving for women with thicker waists. The waistband sat right at my midsection, creating an uncomfortable and very noticeable muffin top. They’re also not the most flattering for short women — at least not short-legged women. The pairs that were long enough to keep me modest made me look like an Oompa Loompa! The shorter ones were more flattering, but accentuated my stubby, muscular legs. I finally found the perfect pair on Amazon — three and a half inches in length, made of spandex that felt like a second skin, and a high waist that sucked in my love handles. I added four in dark colors to my cart and couldn’t wait for my first '80s-inspired workout.
When they arrived, I paired them with a t-shirt and scrunched socks (like a true Gen X-er). It was a leg day, which meant a whole lot of squats, and let me tell you, Girlfriends, I was squatting in comfort and confidence. After my workout, I headed to the grocery store and then home, where my confidence was quickly stripped away from me.
“Mom, your shorts are ripped in the back!” (My confidence was quickly and literally ripped away from me.) My daughter broke the devastating news to me through a combination of laughter and disbelief.
Yes, Girlfriends, my new, beloved, nod-to-the-’80s biker shorts were ripped right down the middle, exposing my derriere for all to see. When did they rip? Who noticed this wardrobe malfunction? And why-oh-why didn’t I wear underwear today? I retraced my steps (and squats) and tried to remember when this happened. Surely someone would have told me at the gym if they noticed, right? The humiliation was real — and it was paralyzing. I swore I’d never go to the gym or grocery store again. And I would definitely (with a capital D) never ever wear those damn biker shorts again.
They say that time heals all wounds, and in some cases, that’s true. I did return to both the gym and the grocery store. But spandex shorts? Never again. As far as I’m concerned, they are totally bogus, dude.
How many of YOU wear spandex shorts? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments below.
AARP (Getty Images, 2; Shutterstock, 4)
