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How To Find Your People As An Adult. Really!

Lane Moore, author of 'You Will Find Your People,' shares her thoughts on finding your tribe in 2024.

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JR BEE
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Remember how easy it was to make friends as a child? It was as simple as spotting someone else your age . . . and bam, you were besties. As an adult, it’s a bit trickier. That’s why we turned to Lane Moore, a comedian, actor, musician, creator of the comedy show Tinder Live, and the author of the new book You Will Find Your People, who explains exactly what we need to do to find our tribe.

The Girlfriend: Why did you decide to write your book?

Moore: This one came about after I wrote my first book, How to Be Alone. I was spending so much time exploring loneliness and solitude and the ways we can find joy and self-worth through spending time alone, and then, of course, once you find joy in that, you want to have better connections and you want community. But the challenge becomes, ‘How do you make better friendships as an adult? How do you improve your current friendships and make better ones, and let the ones that aren’t working finally go?’ I wanted to explore those challenges in my own life and, in writing this second book, share the wealth of things I’d learned that I wish someone told me sooner.

The Girlfriend: Why is it so much harder to make friends as an adult than as a child?

Moore: For starters, we don’t have a ton of people our own age whom we see every day, so we have to actively seek out new friends in a way we didn’t have to back then. Also, I know for so many of us, me included, it’s scary to try again with someone new after we’ve been disappointed and hurt before. It takes time to develop intimacy and trust, and it’s scary to be that vulnerable again with a new person. So, part of writing this book was about validating that part of us: that it makes sense so many of us feel overwhelmed by where to start when it comes to making new friends as an adult. It’s often overwhelming.

The Girlfriend: How do you suggest that adults find their people?

Moore: A big part of that process really is about examining who you are, what you truly need, what your attachment style is, and why you’ve been drawn to the wrong people in the past. I wanted to guide people through this process that was so helpful to me, and so pivotal in changing my relationship to making friends. Once you do that, I recommend taking the people who you have small conversations with when you’re at the dog park or the grocery store and furthering the conversation to see if they’d like to get together some time for a drink. So many of these connections we have in the world have the potential to be deeper if we take that leap.

The Girlfriend: How do you know that someone is your person?

Moore: I know someone is my person when I feel truly safe with them, safe to be all of myself. Safe to be happy or sad or angry, or struggling; safe to not always be funny or entertaining. Sometimes, I get sad, and sometimes, I feel hopeless. These are such human experiences, but so many people want you to always be entertaining for them and to always be light, and that’s not a true friendship to me. I also know someone is my person when they do what they say they’ll do and never make empty promises to me. That’s a huge one.

The Girlfriend: How do you maintain your friendships when you’re overwhelmed with your own life?

Moore: I believe it’s not about how much we can or can’t give — it’s about communication. It’s absolutely okay to tell someone you’re struggling right now, and you wish you could be there more - but as soon as you can, you will. We have to allow each other to be human and still show each other we care even if it’s temporarily imperfect.

 
How do YOU find friends as you grow older? Let us know in the comments below.

Follow Article Topics: Relationships