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The One Thing That Led To The Best Sex Of My Life

Why did I wait so long?

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Woman and man embracing in a glow of pink light
Hannah Whitaker
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I used to be very vocal in crowds and get-togethers, but that never translated to the bedroom. In my 20s and 30s, I had good sex, but I always held back between the sheets. Talking about things like premenstrual syndrome and bathroom habits around people I barely knew didn’t scare me in the least. But voicing to my partner what I really wanted during sex was excruciating.

I’d be embarrassed when I wanted to be spanked and felt silly if I wanted to hear some dirty talk. I’d clench my jaw, trying to hold in what I truly desired because I thought it would be too much, or that I might ask for it the wrong way.

I’m pretty sure this stemmed from a humiliating experience in college when I whispered something into my boyfriend's ear in the heat of the moment. He didn’t reciprocate the sexy banter I was trying to start. Instead, he laughed at me, and I felt myself clam up as my deep desires withered away.

That was back in the early 1990s and while I had my girlfriends and Dr. Ruth, the whole female sexual empowerment movement hadn’t quite taken off. So, I stuffed down what really made me hot and wondered if something was wrong with me.

And damn, I never wanted to be laughed at during sex again.

I never should have let one experience define my sex life for the next few decades, but I did. I was quiet and didn’t ask to have my hair pulled or give any kind of directions.

But that all changed after I got a divorce and started dating. I couldn’t hold my voice even if I’d tried. I guess you could say my libido had enough of me giving it the silent treatment, and she was going to make up for lost time.

Instead of feeling shy, I felt empowered to ask for what I wanted. I decided if I was with someone who couldn’t handle it — or worse, who would laugh at me — then they weren’t my person. (For the record, neither of those things happened.)

If something wasn’t going right and my partner was way off, instead of lying there with my mouth closed, I spoke up. If I didn't want to do something, I said so. And if I did want to do something, I made that known, too.

It hit me that communication is key to a strong relationship. And that has to flow into the bedroom — where you are as intimate and vulnerable as you can get.

Also, why did I go so long thinking I didn’t have a voice when it came to sex? Why did I let men lead the way, and call all the shots?

A good partner will want to know what you like and dislike and if they aren’t pleasing you the right way. I mean, I’d want to know if I was doing something that made someone cringe. And if there was something they wanted to try, but were too afraid to tell me, that would bother me.

Since I’ve been using my words (and other sounds), my time in the bedroom isn’t just fantastic, it’s explosive. I no longer feel shy or ashamed of what I want and seeing my partner’s reaction when I make a request brings the experience to a whole other level.

I wish I’d started speaking up sooner, but I’m glad I finally got what I needed in my 40s. Maybe I just had to wait until I was ready.

Do you think communication is key when it comes to having a good sex life? Let us know in the comments below.

Follow Article Topics: Relationships