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“You shouldn’t go to bed angry with your partner.” “You should drink eight glasses of water each day.” “If you invite one first cousin to the wedding, you should invite all of them.”
We use the word “should” so often that it seems harmless. I mean, all that advice is benign and maybe even useful, right?
Well, not necessarily.
At this point in my life, I’ve learned that when I think, hear or say “should,” it’s a big ol’ red flag telling me to pause. It tells me I’m not thinking for myself.
Who, exactly, is the voice in my head telling me how to behave? Maybe it’s my parents, a memorable schoolteacher, a newspaper, an old friend, a self-help book or even the Internet. Regardless of the origin, “should” means I’m listening to an external construct. Maybe it’s advice I’ll take. Maybe not. My point is that I need to stop and think about what’s right for me.
Take, for instance, “You shouldn’t go to bed angry with your partner.” I’ve heard that from my mother, three friends, and two neighbors. It seems like reasonable advice aimed at not letting negative emotions fester.
When I was younger, I tried to live that “should.” If my husband and I argued, by the end of the night, the little voice in my head whispered, “You shouldn’t go to bed angry.”
Believing I was acting in the name of unity, I’d push him for a resolution, regardless of whether he (or I) was still steaming.
In retrospect, sometimes one or both of us would have benefited from cooling off overnight, getting emotional distance from whatever caused the flare-up. Sometimes, pushing to wrap up disagreements simply because night fell served to escalate rather than resolve an argument. My internalized “should” sets an arbitrary time limit for discourse without regard to exhaustion levels or truly complex disputes that could benefit from extended conversation and careful thought.
All that said, I don’t automatically reject all “shoulds.” Sometimes, they’re the result of solid scientific information that’s been oversimplified for public consumption.
“Should” you drink eight glasses of eight ounces of water per day? Not quite. Staying well-hydrated benefits your mind and body in myriad proven ways. The question, personal to each of us, is the amount of water you need. Healthy intake amounts vary tremendously by your size, activity level, local climate, diet and other factors.
What about the “if you invite one first cousin, you have to invite them all” voice? For me, this “should” turned out to be about form, not substance. Where did this “should” come from? Miss Manners, Ann Landers or another outdated advice columnist? I certainly got that “should” from my own mother, who took an outsized role in planning my wedding. Regardless of its origin, I sweated through this “should” ahead of my oldest son’s wedding. He and his wife wanted a small gathering of close friends and family. That meant picking and choosing family members by emotional connection rather than by family tree. In summary, they planned to invite Aunt A, but not Aunt B.
Anticipating all manner of familial upset, I admit it: I blithely followed that internalized voice in my head and tried to persuade my son to change his mind. “You should invite all the aunts, all the first cousins, or none of them. If you pick and choose, you’ll hurt a lot of feelings,” I insisted.
My son stayed firm. He said that he thought people he wasn’t close to wouldn’t care about not attending. He pointed out that some might even prefer not to have to shell out cash for a gift or travel for someone they didn’t really know.
As it turned out, he was absolutely right. I never heard a single gripe about his curated invitation list. The reception was exactly what he and his wife wanted: a room filled only with people they knew and cared about and who knew and cared about them. My invitation list construction formula simply wasn’t his.
Do any of my internalized “shoulds” feel familiar to you? Can you spot any of your own? Maybe you “could” take a look at them? Once you train yourself to pause when you feel a “should" coming on, you’ll be free to adjust your behavior to what you really want rather than what you were conditioned to believe you ought to do.
Do you often use the word "should"? Should we stop using it? Let us know in the comments below.
Maryam Khaleghi Yazdi
Follow Article Topics: Lifestyle
