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Sex After A Sexless Marriage

5 ways to let the healing begin.

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An image of a man and women's legs in bed, where they are lounging together and holding hands.
Colin Anderson/Stocksy United
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I watched a talk show once where the guest, who was a marriage counselor, said: "If you are having regular sex, it's only 10 percent of your marriage. If you aren't having sex, it's more like 90 percent of your marriage."

The truth of that sentiment struck me. I was happily married at the time, and when my then-husband and I were doing the feather-bed jig on the regular, all was well in the world. And when we weren't, we'd argue, nitpick and basically hate each other's faces.

You actually learn a lot about sex when you aren't having it; how horrible a sexless relationship is, for instance. It's enough to make you realize sex isn't everything in a partnership, but orgasms count for a lot.

After divorcing, having hot, passionate sex was one of the first things on my to-do list — after finding a new tax person, getting the best vibrator money could buy, and learning how to fix the damn garage door — and it didn't take long to get the job done.

I realized a few things during my wild streak after divorce:

1. You don’t have to wait for “the right one” or fall in love. I wanted to make sure after being in a dried-up relationship that I was still capable of being wild and making furniture move while having my muffin buttered. I'm not saying I grabbed a stranger off the street, but I wanted to get mine, because damn, it had been a long time. And just because I was divorced with three kids, I wasn't freaking dead (even though my vagina would have told you a different story).

2. Having a new partner in your bed might not feel natural at first. It was strange to have a different person lying in my bed. So much so, I wanted him to leave after we did the deed. If you feel the same, know it's perfectly fine and normal; just ask nicely.

3. Being with the same person for decades doesn't make you boring or stale — no matter what they might have told you. Just because you had a routine with your partner doesn't mean you aren't going to meet someone who is going to make you want to feel reckless. Trust me on this: Go with it, you are sexier than you realize when you let loose.

4. You might want pleasure and nothing else. Again, this is all right, just be clear about what you are looking for. To be sexual with another human being is a normal part of life. If you aren't ready for an emotional connection but would like to explore being “friends with benefits,” say so. Same goes for if you want a commitment from someone you are having sex with —speak the hell up.

5. Talking can be the biggest turn on, so open your mouth. Now is not the time to keep quiet about what jets your juice. You are older, wiser and know what it's like to be in a passionless relationship. Life is too short to let that happen again! You can do this in a sex text, during foreplay or over a juicy burger. Just make sure you don't leave anything out, K?